The holiday season is upon us and unless you’re a procrastinator (like me) you probably have all of your shopping done. Since that is the case, you can sit back and ponder questions like the one I pose to you now: what gifts (real or imaginary) would you get some of your favorite sports figures?
For example, last year, I gave Ronda Rousey a time machine (okay, not literally, but you get the point), thinking that she could use it to go back and redo her fight with Holly Holm. That might have actually been useful as we still haven’t seen her in the octagon since that fight. Meanwhile, I wanted to give the city of Cleveland a championship and, well, Santa was just about six months late on delivering that, but, you’re welcome Cavs fans.
So, without further ado, let’s give out some fun, new gifts, to some of our favorite sports figures from this year.
Cleveland Browns/Hue Jackson
Gift: Actual NFL Players
Yep, this is a gift similar to the one we gave the Sixers last year. One, re-gifting always happens during the holiday season. It’s how you end up with five different gravy boats. Does anyone use a gravy boat anymore?
Two, look at what happened with the Sixers — they got Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons! Okay, granted, Embiid was already there and Simmons hasn’t played yet, but hey, they’re NBA players.
You can’t argue that the Browns need it. The last time they won, Johnny Manziel was their QB. Remember him? Look, this year was part of the “process” of trying to rebuild this team for the umpteenth time since they rejoined the NFL in 1999. I get it. But, every fan feels like this guy right now.
Please, Santa, allow the Browns at least a couple of good guys.
Gift: Liar, Liar Pants On Fire, By Gordon Korman
Lochte and his fiance are expecting their first child. That is, surprisingly enough, the second-biggest story surrounding Lochte this year. Unless you were living under a rock, you probably know that Lochte got into a spot of trouble for lying while competing for Team USA at the Olympics in Rio. So, I thought this gift would be useful on two fronts. One, Lochte could read it to his newborn child to teach them the dangers of lying. Two, Lochte may actually learn something himself from this book. Two birds, one stone and all.
Gift: A Win At A Major
No snark here. Tiger just made his return earlier in December at the Hero World Open and, by all accounts, he played very well. Golf has still had plenty of fun personalities come up over the past several seasons as Tiger has fallen off. The game is in a great place. But, maybe it’s just me being soft, I would love to see Tiger return to at least 75-80 percent of his former self. We’re never going to see peak, fist-pumping, screaming, obscenity-hurling Woods of old again. But, seeing Tiger in the hunt on the back 9 on a Sunday in a major again would be awesome. Him winning? That would be huge. So, this may not come for a little while, but hey, Santa wasn’t exactly prompt on bringing your princess/prince charming now was he?
Gift: Control Over His Limbs
Back to the snark! Low-hanging fruit no doubt. But, seriously, were it not for Green’s apparent inability to control his arms and legs, the Warriors likely wouldn’t have blown a 3-1 lead in the Finals. Man, I’m not making any friends in the Bay Area right now. For real though, even Warriors fans have to admit that Green’s flailing legs and arms anytime he remotely draws contact is getting irritating right? Draymond, for your sake and for ours, stop kicking/punching/hitting people in the groin.
Gift: Trade To A Contender
Poor Mike Trout. All he does is put up MVP caliber seasons, yet, he’s stuck on a team that’s going nowhere fast. The Angels have one of baseball’s worst farm systems, a rotation of starters that can’t stay healthy, the albatross contract of Albert Pujols and little to no help in the lineup for Trout. Seriously, we’re wasting this guys prime. It’s depressing. Just look at the stupid, insane, crazy stats that he had racked up PRIOR TO TURNING 25 this August.That list reads like Chuck Norris facts. In fact, I’m pretty sure that before Chuck Norris goes to bed, he checks under the bed for Mike Trout.
No one that good should be on a team that’s the equivalent of the team in the beginning of Angels in the Outfield. Hell, even a young Joseph Gordon Leavitt who’s actually able to see angels and get them to help baseball players could help this team. Please, Santa, get Mike out of baseball purgatory.
Gift: The Monstars Talent Draining Magic
Huh? Why would Romo want that? Well, let me explain. Romo is missing out on playing for what is the best Cowboys team that they’ve had since he became their starting QB back in 2006 because he got hurt in the preseason and rookie Dak Prescott has looked pretty good. Well, if Romo were able to drain Prescott’s abilities for oh, say, the next two games, then he would be able to resume his place in the starting line-up for the playoffs and get his shot at playoff glory. He can always give Dak his talent back after the Super Bowl…..or you know, once Tony’s ready to hang up his cleats.
Gift: A Fight In Vegas Against Floyd Mayweather Jr.
Look, this guy has a lot. I get it. He probably doesn’t need a Christmas gift. But, for the man or woman who has everything, what can you always get them? Money. That would be a guarantee if this hypothetical pay-per-view boxing match were ever to happen. Mayweather and McGregor are the kings of the respective sports in terms of promotion. Their trash-talking alone would be entertainment for sports fans, so there’s no doubt people would buy this fight. Sure, McGregor would likely get trounced in a boxing match by Floyd, but he’d likely take home a cool $100 million in the process.
Enjoy the holidays everyone!
Ryan Mayer is an Associate Producer for CBS Local Sports. Ryan lives in NY but comes from Philly and life as a Philly sports fan has made him cynical. Anywhere sports are being discussed, that’s where you’ll find him.