Name: Ashland Montrose
College: Idaho Tech
Positives: Enormous frame. Big all over, and able to use superior size to wall off and engulf opponents. Decent short-area movement skill, and a heavy punch. Nearly impossible to push off a spot once his feet get set. Has some nasty in him and finishes plays.
Negatives: Conditioning is an issue, as weight has at times ballooned to close to 500 pounds. Occasionally fills his helmet with chili-cheese fries before putting it on, and drinks nothing but sausage gravy during games. At combine, ate Wonderlic test and six #2 pencils, then half of an MRI machine. Tends to bend at the waist and often fall over, and can require hydraulic assistance to stand.
Scout’s Take: “He does some good things, but a team that takes him would really have to trust him. He really slipped on our board when he missed a meeting at the Senior Bowl, and we found him fully stuck in a corner booth at Waffle House. They had to remove a wall to get him out.”
Name: Leavitt Seeley
College: Maine State
Positives: Quick and instinctive, fires into gaps and is strong at the point of attack. Tackles with perfect form, reliably brings ballcarriers down by himself. Can run with some tight ends over the middle, and can read keys to diagnose plays. Tested better than expected athletically, and projects as a three-down player. Loves the game and is completely dedicated — football is very important to him.
Negatives: Football may be too important to him. Was always in full game uniform on campus, including during class. Can only read if the words are in the form of a called play, and may be otherwise functionally illiterate. Calls all authority figures “coach,” including teachers, police officers and his own mother and father.
Scout’s Take: “Gotta love how he feels about football. Motivated kid. He was the first guy to get to their practice facility and the last to leave every day. Actually, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure he didn’t leave. He may have lived in there somewhere. I should probably check on that.”
Name: Cullom Berteau
College: West University
Positives: Shifty, elusive runner with good balance and forward lean, ideally suited to a stretch-zone system that lets him stick a foot in the ground and make a cut. Keeps his pads low and his feet moving after contact. Can correctly call the coin-toss around 50 percent of the time, given a large sample size. Preference for a single-digit uniform number saves on sewing costs. Does a killer impersonation of Al Pacino in Dog Day Afternoon. Plays concert-level glockenspiel.
Negatives: Height and weight automatically adjust to that of shortest, lightest member of opposing team.
Scout’s Take: “Total boom-or-bust pick. He’ll either get you promoted or fired, or possibly both.”
Name: Campbell Irving-Park
College: Everglades State
Positives: Sudden and powerful out of his stance as a ready-made 3-tech in a “40” front. Understands leverage and angles, and his hand placement is already advanced at this stage. Blows through gaps to disrupt plays in the backfield before they can get started, can chase down plays from behind. Will command double-teams from the moment he steps on the field.
Negatives: A little on the short side. Also won’t stop murdering people.
Scout’s Take: “What’s not to like, except all the murders? I have to admit that has given us a bit of a red flag on him, but his skills are off the charts and obvious when you watch the tape on him. He was great at our meeting in Mobile, except for when he killed and dismembered our defensive quality-control guy. I can’t see him getting past the second round.”
Name: Jason Rosenberg
Positives: Just a very nice young man. Polite, well mannered, and accomplished in the classroom. Graduated early due to AP credits coming out of high school, and began law school courses before completing his eligibility. Active in the community, doing work with several local charities.
Negatives: Overwhelmed by athleticism in every matchup in drills leading up to the East-West Shrine Game. Lacks size, strength and speed to compete at the NFL level. Classroom intelligence does not translate to the field.
Scout’s Take: “Great kid, but I don’t think he’s a football player. This very possibly could have been some kind of unfortunate paperwork error.”
Name: Addison Claremont
College: E. Chicago State
Positives: Automatic from 45 and in, and made a handful of game-winners as a four-year player. Kickoffs land in the end zone regularly, and can place the ball directionally on one side or the other without it going out of bounds. Has connected from 50-plus in adverse weather conditions.
Negatives: Not the booming leg some teams crave. Had a meniscus tear in his left knee that could raise concern down the road. Is a virulent and outspoken racist.
Scout’s Take: “He clearly has NFL ability, but his constant stream of loud and vicious racist invective is the kind of thing that could eventually wear on a locker room over time. You can’t have that, especially from a kicker.”
Name: Giant Bowl of Guacamole
WT: 18 oz
Positives: Creamy, delicious and versatile. Wowed everyone at its pro day with a rare combination of wonderful taste and nutritional benefits, including dietary fiber, heart-healthy fats, vitamins, potassium and beta-carotene. Can be deployed as a stand-alone appetizer and then kept as a complementary condiment with the main course. Just the right amount of heat. Considered by consensus to be “most garlicky” of all combine participants, with the possible exception of that one cornerback from Maryland.
Negatives: The price just seems to keep going up, even though avocados literally grow on trees.
Scout’s Take: “Can’t get enough of this one. We’d draft three if we could. Checks all the boxes for me.”
Name: Napoleon Bonaparte
College: Ecole Militaire
Positives: Built the French Empire into the dominant force in Europe and global affairs for a decade, ruling the continent until 1815. Considered a tactical genius, he won multiple wars against various coalitions and is considered one of the greatest military commanders in the history of the world. Was named Imperial Royal Majesty, Mediator of the Swiss Confederation, King of Italy, Protector of the Confederation of the Rhine and co-Prince of Andorra.
Negatives: Doesn’t have ideal size, and may act out to compensate for that. Can be a bit self-grandiose. Has been dead since 1821.
Scout’s Take: “Can’t question his commitment, and you have to love that about him. Hard to argue with the resume. Height keeps coming up in our discussions, as does the fact that he’s entombed in Paris at Les Invalides. We have moved him up and down the board, and that might happen right up until draft day.”
Name: Rodeo Bull
HT: 5-2 at the shoulder
WT: 1775 pounds
Positives: Outstanding size and natural power, will win individual matchups with ease, relying on brute force and high motor. Can inflict mortal damage with either horns or hooves. Instinctive, and can stack and shed would-be blockers at the point. Can change direction on a dime, and registered the second best vertical jump in Indianapolis. Plays to the echo of the whistle, often needing to be escorted back to the huddle by specialized clowns, in much the same way as former Buccaneers tackle Warren Sapp.
Negatives: May not take to coaching, and will need both special attention and a properly adjusted flank strap. Temperamental and skittish, and will need to be in the right kind of locker room and would benefit from a supportive veteran culture.
Scout’s Take: “Love this guy, but you really have to know that your coaches can handle him, because he’s a handful. Probably more of a run-down player since I may not trust him to be assignment-sound in coverages. Didn’t come off well in our meeting at the combine — when we tried to go through some looks and concepts on the white board, he just snorted and relieved himself on the floor. I mean, that happens sometimes at these things, but this was prodigious.”